esteem goes up, esteem goes down

God, this blog has been depressing lately. Oh well, here goes:

1. I’ve noticed that in the past few years I’ve really enjoyed having some friends who are at least 5-10 years older than me. This is because I feel young in comparison, and this boosts my self esteem.  I just realized this over the weekend, and remembered that as a teenager I was hell-bent on proving just how mature I was by having cool older friends. It was lame then, and I worry that it might be perceived as lame now.

2. There is a kindly crossing guard on the corner who I pass every day. The first few times I was my usual reserved self and avoided eye contact. But after a while his persistent cheerfulness got to me and I found myself saying good morning to him, smiling, and possibly engaging in ritual small talk. This cheered me up in the morning. I like being smiled at.

But this morning he looked at me and said “Oh, I didn’t know you were, you were, expecting some joy.” And I looked to where he was indicating, which was my belly. And I said, “I’m not.” “Oh, sorry honey,” He said, in a way that indicated that he really didn’t care either way. “It’s fine,” I said, in a way I totally meant because I know that I’m overweight and while I don’t like it I’m not going to deny my shape. And really, it didn’t bother me that much. Whatever. It’s fine.

But to be quite honest I don’t want to have to see this man ever, ever again, as it will now serve as a constant reminder of the incident. But I know I have to see him, every morning, for as long as I continue to live on this street and use that crosswalk. And maybe he’ll be cheerful towards me tomorrow morning, but it will feel empty and I really don’t want to pretend to be happy anymore. God damnit.